I think my fart just growled at me.
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
