Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Randomize
