She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Randomize
