someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
