giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
Randomize
