Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
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