Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
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