youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
