New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Randomize
