god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Randomize
