I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Randomize