My pussy is not your playground.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
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