Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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