So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Randomize
