T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
Randomize
