i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
