I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
