It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
