There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Randomize
