??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
