I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
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