I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
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