Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
Randomize
