the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
Even the bartender felt bad for me
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
