I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
