apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Randomize
