Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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