so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
