We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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