I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
