Three words: puerto rican gang bang
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
well the blowjob for study guide exchange was a success.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
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