Cold hands, warm shart.
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
