guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
