oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
She needs sedatives and a leash
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
