No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Randomize
