I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
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