Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
