I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
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