I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
