Your face is a jimmy john
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
