I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
My penis needs a shock collar
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
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