Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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