At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
Randomize
