My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
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