You just made me feel so damn special
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I have tasted many bathrooms
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
