Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
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