No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
