You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
