This is not my ceiling
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
