Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
